Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Fanny Packs, Mandals, and Mom Jeans... Oh My

Times Square, interchangeable with Canal Street, Empire State Building, or the red bus, are the specific locations that never fail to turn any New Yorker’s dream into a night terror, except between the hours of 12am and 5am. Why? Because that’s when the fanny packs, mandals, and mom jeans have returned to their hotel rooms to avoid what propaganda taught them is an indefinite attack.

The task at hand is to find a way of comprehending the events and thoughts leading to these erroneous accessories running rampant and consequence free. It is time to work out suitable solutions, allowing New Yorkers to no longer bear witness to this blasphemy. Since the New Yorkers are clearly the only ones who understand the calamity built in to the accessories, city-folk need to do America the favor of cluing tourists in as to why they are easier to spot than a giraffe in a kiddie pool.

Giuliani cleaned up the streets and now it’s time for a power wash. Some hypothesis that come to mind are the lack of mirrors, the horrible, yet all too common “because everyone else is doing it”, or  the offender wants a target on their head that says “I don’t know where I am. Please come take my money”. Surely there is a way for New Yorkers and others can co-exist, at least for that week. Evidently, that will only happen once these three disasters are back in East Nowheresland. A grave a task is at hand.

Mom jeans are by far the worst of this trio. Yes, that is a universal shudder rippling through the city. When the concept of these catastrophic denims is broken down, it’s shocking that only New Yorkers are repulsed. Mom jeans highlight the worst parts of a woman’s body. If ever one comes across man wearing them, just run. Clearly there is a much larger issue than the pants.

After doing some Googling o figure out why people make these  horrible choices, Yahoo had the answer. There were several possible causes with two considerably valid. First, the lack of a mirror was argued. Of course there are ways around it, but this one will suffice. The second reasonable cause is delusional thinking/ mental disease or defect. Need proof? One wrongdoer cited comfort as the culprit. Not even slightly possible. The muffin top which is always served with mom jeans is evidence to the contrary.

Using mirrors, rather than glass in the store fronts standing brave in “mom jean territory”, will force perpetrators to confront the heinous sight. This should shock them into a horrified panic resulting in the dropping the hotdog and heading to Kinkos to order pajama jeans.  Pajama jeans are usually outlawed, but given the “comfort” factor, they get a reprieve.  New Yorkers vow to look the other way just as long as the muffin top goes by way of mom jeans. Regarding the delusional thinkers aforementioned, if pajama jeans not to their liking a medical professional will need to intervene. This task is too large for one without proper training,

Next, the fanny pack is on the chopping block. Back to Google. The first two pages of the fanny pack search brought up (gasp) shopping websites with illustrations. Apparently this behavior is not only accepted, but encouraged. Is it that much harder to drape something over a shoulder or (gasp again) pack lightly enough for a pocket to suffice? Pant pockets are plentiful and purposeful folks.

While investigating, I came across nothing that justifies a fanny pack. As a result, the two most obscene answers are provided for entertainment. The first fanny pack vigilante proclaimed they are excellent when running. Pardon?  They slip and bounce based on the laws of physics. Clearly this gentleman has come across a very magical fanny pack and is allowed to continue the use, not in New York.  Next, it was mentioned that the packs were making a comeback. Again, Pardon? This  is a larger issue than originally thought.  

The only solution to the fanny pack plague is to fight by way of stick.  Stick? Yes, since no one wants to reach out and hit a fanny pack with their own skin, a stick is the perfect tool. And free. Once the stick is secure in the New Yorker’s hand, reach to the pack and slap down. To make sure this revolution is embedded deep inside tourist’s brains, somewhere in the range of 250-500 need slapping. The minute there is confirmation of this protest in hometowns news stations will run this story like all other manufactured cataclysms. Over dramatic reporting and heresay will make simple stick hits seem like Armageddon. Stick-A-Geddon is the only way to make tourists leave their packs at home…..or cancel their trip due to fear.

Finally, the dreaded mandal is under fire. No one would ever notice these if not for the ridiculous pairing of dirty socks or crusty, corned, hammer toes. A pair of Easy Spirits is surely more comfortable than straps that dig infected feet, made only worse after walking. The sneaker is the suitable choice, not only for tourist comfort, but New Yorkers sight as well.  No logic explains how a flimsy mandal beats a good ole orthopedic sole. Thus, there no explanations for mandal wearing need stating. 

Upon further research, it is once again proven that Google failed New Yorkers. This slap in the face was delivered in the form of mandal shopping portals accompanied by visuals. This is unacceptable. The horror is compounded because Google’s headquarters is located on the island of Manhattan. The plan of action here is to get SEO marketers to bump the mandal purchasing gateways (and fanny packs) to the obscurity of page three, replacing them with pajama jeans.

Rest easy comrades, the dark times are almost through. Hopefully by summer 2012 these items will only exist in museums and history books. Just remember, teamwork is key. Everyone should act as their own mini Giuliani and keep this fantastic city safe and crime free.

One last thing, is anyone willing to run into people red rover style, tourist or not, when they walk four deep across the sidewalk in the middle of rush hour as slowly as they can?